The Fall

That let down was too big, too heavy to carry alone

The fall from what I thought was grace.

It was just an empty promise all along

A house of glass built upon quick sand – a sinking foundation

The lights shone bright but no one was home

I called out for help and no one answered

I broke in anyways and tried to make a home there

Make-believe and wish it into existence

Dragging you in with me, reluctantly

But all my wishes fell down the wishing well into its darkest depths, its murky waters

Nothing exists without consistency, stability, effort.

Silence is a lonely ghost

Love is just not enough, because it is too easy to love

We were built for it, we know how to do it

Yet rarely do we do it well…you knew only a broken version of love.

You were broken yourself – afraid and alone

People say they want kindness, that they are kind

But kindness out of convenience isn’t really kind…that’s just self serving

What about kind when you’re raw, weak and afraid?

Kind when your shit is stirred up.

Kind when you owe nothing and may receive nothing…

That kind of kind is rare.

The kind of kind we show animals and use far too sparingly with each other

In this world of upheaval and change

In this planet of hurt and crisis

In this society run on people’s trauma

We should show more Love. Period.

Inconvenient Love, out of your way Love, big boundless Love, accepting and unfiltered Love

All kinds of Love that require us to stretch outside of our comfort and convenience

Love that sees another’s Soul, another’s Heart…

Get out of our own way type of Love.

That’s what I’m here for.

I Like My….

tea to be the perfect drinking temperature

pillows soft

sheets clean

mornings calm

music uplifting or mood evoking

movies funny, inspiring, or emotional

hair freshly washed

fries crispy

love true

connections deep & meaningful

dog’s morning kisses

throw blankets big and fuzzy

PJs cozy and cute

views epic

kisses passionate

showers almost scalding hot

baths steamy and aromatic

candles lit and moody

outfits stylish

shoes clean

floors vaccumed

relationships intentional

decor seasonal and fun

plants thriving

laundry done and folded

house clean

fridge full

smiles big and with teeth

words honest and from the heart

personality authentic

weekends fun

evenings relaxing

shoulders and back rubbed

laughter full bellied

I don’t need a hero…

I was watching one of my favourite TV shows tonight…you may have heard of the popular emotional drama called “This Is Us”. Of course it’s full of great lines, witty comebacks and impromptu heartfelt conversations that rarely go so smoothly in real life. One of the character’s line’s really resonated with me though. “She doesn’t need a hero, just be there for her”.

I feel so often that in relationships (with men especially), they feel the need to be the woman’s hero. To fix her problem. To figure it out for her. To offer the solution they see fitting. To tell her where she went wrong. Iv’e never really needed a hero, at least not in my adult life. I’m fully capable of figuring things out on my own. Every time someone distrusts me to figure it out – it shows me that they don’t trust my capability. That creates resentment. As children, our parents are our heroes because we depend on them for survival. Somewhere along the way, they let us down…because they are human beings and make mistakes too (because of their own unhealed trauma but that’s a different topic).

As we come into adulthood, we start to rely more on ourselves. We learn to become our own heroes. We face challenges, overcome obstacles, make hard decisions, fail and try again. We learn and we grow. Sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over until we are so exhausted with the same outcome, that we choose differently. When someone tries to solve our problems for us, it takes away our innate power. It send us the message that we are not trusted – that our loving adult self doesn’t have the tools to care for our own inner child. Nothing could be more upsetting than someone telling you that you don’t know how to take care of yourself.

This isn’t to say we can never offer advice or support. Asking if someone would like to hear a suggestion is often a way better alternative to blurting out “shoulds” and “shouldn’t haves”. Support – being there – for the experience, the journey – is EVERYTHING. It goes back to us as children, when we start to seek out our own independence. When we take those first few steps toward the playground but then look back to make sure our parents are watching us. We WANT to do it ourselves, we need to know we can do it. It’s vital to our survival skills. We ALSO need to know someone’s watching. That’s survival too. We need to know someone has our back. Someone will be there if we fall. Not to tell us we did it wrong, but to offer us their hand if we need it to get back up.

I see this with my dog Luna all the time. She’ll be running ahead through the forest trails but every so often she’ll look back, checking to make sure I’m following her. Or at the dog park – she’ll be busy romping around with other dogs, but every few minutes she’ll look around to locate me. To make sure I’m there as her grounding post. We all need that. We need to be witnessed – for our struggles, our pain, our joys, our triumphs.

I don’t need a hero – because I already have one, and She’s Me. I am the one that makes sure I get up every morning. I am the one that makes my bed. I am the one that takes my dog out for exercise and play even when it’s pouring rain. I am the one that feeds myself healthy, nourishing food. I am the one that cleans my body, dresses myself and gets myself to work. I am the one that makes others feel good about themselves at work. I am the one that is responsible for me, my happiness. It’s not luck, it’s dedication. Loving yourself or others doesn’t just happen. It’s work. It’s a choice. It’s consistency. It’s an everyday thing…and it’s in the little things. The little moments.

It’s funny because whenever I go through a breakup it’s interesting the things I miss about someone. It’s never usually the big things, but the little, everyday moments. The shared tea in the evenings, the funny glances, the shared inside jokes. That is the stuff that makes a life. It’s not in the grand gestures that we show love, but in the day after day; choosing actions and words that show care.

I will admit I’m not always the best at this, but I’m working on it. Let me tell you it’s a hell of a lot easier to love a dog for the simple reason that they don’t talk back to you. An animal’s needs are simple, and as long as we meet those needs they tend to love us without hesitation. Maybe a human being’s needs aren’t so different though. Maybe we just let a whole lot of garbage get in the way; our own pain and suffering and attachment to our story and the way we think things should be.

The story to me is simple: we are all just human. We all have the same needs. To belong and to be seen and known and loved. Let’s just try our best to remember that.

A Love Letter…

Dear little one,

I would imagine that you are feeling so scared right now. So unsure and uncertain…it probably feels like your whole world has been turned upside down. In a way, it has. These are big feelings to feel, and they can feel really intense and scary. You might not even know how to name them or say how you’re feeling right now.

I know you are very sad because I cry with you, and for you. Remember that tears are healthy and healing. It’s so good to let it out. These feelings you are experiencing are so normal, especially with everything you’ve been through and are going through now.

I am here for you now, and I am so sorry that I wasn’t so many times before. I didn’t know how to be with you, and I’m still learning. I turned to external things to try and feel better, which in turn only made you feel even more alone. I chose people who only repeated the cycle of abandonment, and scraped at the wounds you already carry inside. Those wounds run deep, and they are so painful and heavy to carry around. It’s okay to feel the sadness and the pain, because now I am here with you. I will be here with you every step of the way.

You are my angel, my Love, my light and softness. You are the gentle and sensitive parts of me. You deserve all the Love and attention that you crave. You are worthy of my Love and attention. I am so sorry I left you when I kept trying to find another to help myself feel whole. I didn’t know that I could feel whole on my own. By giving you my Love and attention, I won’t need to reach and seek for another like an addiction. Please forgive me for looking to the wrong things and the wrong people, I didn’t know any better at the time. I was trying to do what I thought I needed – trying to feel whole in the ‘wrong’ ways. I just felt more and more empty – as you felt more and more alone. This makes me feel so sad.

As I looked at your picture this morning I really saw you, felt you. You were so small and innocent, so wild and free. You are a part of Me, living in Me and through Me. We are One. You were so happy playing on the beach in the sand, looking at the little ocean creatures. You Loved your Mom, Dad and Sister so much and felt so close to them. Such a pure curiosity about the world. Nature was such a joyous place. Perhaps that is why I find such peace and centering in nature. Grounding among the trees and hope looking out at the sea. We have such a belonging to nature, You and I. We feel free here, to just BE. To be in our bodies, in our joy and belonging to Ourselves. It feels like Love. It feels like Home.

Here I am, my sweet little angel. I am here, for you and with you. I promise. Take my hand, or run free like the sea, just know I’ll be watching and protecting. I got you. I Love you my little girl.

Little Girl

My sweet little girl is so sad. She feels so lost and forgotten. Breakups have always been a real challenge for me, because my wounds are so deep. Whenever my abandonment wound gets triggered, I tell myself the same stories

1) I am not wanted

2) I wasn’t good enough

3) I’m not worth someone staying

4) I will probably be forgotten and/or replaced

These types of beliefs are hurtful to myself and extremely painful to be with. The logical part of me knows they simply aren’t true, but the pain runs so deep that it often takes over. The best thing to do for myself during these times is to slow down and be with my little girl.

So often we make ourselves busy when we are in pain, buying things to feel better, drinking more, staying up late, trying to find another to fill the void of intimacy we have lost. Although I don’t do all these things anymore (thank god), I do engage in some of these patterns. It never makes me feel better, and if it does it is only fleeting or temporary. Because the only way to move through pain is to actually slow down and be with it. Bit by bit, day by day, little by little. We can’t feel it all at once – it would be too heavy. But we do have to take time to be with our pain.

The most helpful thing I can do for myself when I am in pain – when my core wounds are activated and feel so tender – is to spend time with my little girl. Close my eyes and check in with Her. See what She needs, ask her how She is feeling. It doesn’t take long to get it touch with your little one, and it is usually obvious very quickly how they are feeling. The miraculous part about being with your inner child is that it actually makes you stop craving and reaching for all the other things you thought you needed to feel better. It doesn’t happen overnight, but, in time you will feel a shift. Less reaching, less desperation. More acceptance and contentment.

Allowing the space for my little girl to have her feelings is one of the most important aspects of my healing. She wants so badly to feel wanted, to feel cared about and listened to. She needs to feel heard and craves being understood. When She doesn’t feel these things She acts out by trying to prove Herself. To prove She is worthy of being chosen. The problem with trying to be chosen is I tend to forget my own needs and focus more on someone choosing me, rather than me deciding if that person is actually a good fit for me.

I need to chose Myself first, take care of Me and my own energy, my own safety and needs. Make my needs a priority. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel like they are fairly consistently getting their needs met. It feels like a win-win. Of course, it is impossible to expect our partner to be able to meet all of our needs all of the time. We have to learn how to do it for ourselves too. It is unrealistic to expect our partner to meet all of our expectations, but we DO have to be able to communicate about it and be conscious of both our own needs and those of our partner.

I should never have to prove to someone that I am worthy, because I am worthy of Love just as I am in this moment. I should never have to chase someone to Love me, because I am Lovable already. I should never have to try to convince someone, or remind someone to want Me, because I am wanted, most importantly, by My Self.

Lessons in Love, Loss and Peace

sometimes things need to break so you can learn to bend

sometimes you need to bend instead of break

sometimes happiness is the opposite of everything you thought you needed

sometimes your full aliveness is just on the other side of the pain

sometimes the pain makes you feel alive

*

sometimes strength is the thing inside you that keeps you messy

sometimes the messiness is the beauty

sometimes the hardest thing to do is the thing you most need to do

*

when loving yourself feels impossible

stay strong

believe

in the messy

in your own beating heart

working for you, beating for you

*

don’t let anyone take that heart from you

feel the pure joy of your own existence

in this full beautiful world

trust your capacity to experience the world

and to be okay in the end

to be raw in the middle

to continue to come back to peace, to breath

*

fill your lungs full with the love of life

the love of song and dance

the love of feeling free

dancing with the sea

*

letting your salt water tears flow

deep down into the ocean

let her carry you

move you

*

to higher places

higher peaks

don’t waste your younger years

your older years

on anyone who cannot hold you with the tenderness and love

you hold for yourself

*

beyond anything or anyone

hold yourself with so much love

welcome and embrace the darkness within

love it even when it is hard

shine some light on those tender parts

and let that light heal every part of your soul

*

know that you are imperfect

and also perfect

because you made it here

all this way, in this beautiful life

look at what you’ve created

for yourself

this is just the dawn of your best years.

*

chase down your fears

wrangle with them

look them straight in the eye

and say

I’ve got this

I can do it

it won’t be perfect, but I can and I will

and WATCH

as you OVERCOME with the rise of every morning sun.

*

Stop chasing happiness

and chase yourself instead

the happiness will show up

like MAGIC.

Hope

Hope…it gives us the courage to keep going in dark times. It offers a glimmer of relief, a place we can go inside ourselves that offers solace and refuge when we don’t feel good. When we feel hurt we can turn to hope. Maybe it is the only thing that really gets us through sometimes.

Hope is a powerful force. We can create scenarios in our mind that haven’t even happened and it requires imagination and belief to exist. When going through a breakup, specifically, hope is the thing that gets me through those painful feelings. It offers a relief to my Soul, like a promise that there is something better on the other side of this pain. Sometimes hoping means thinking that maybe things will eventually work out between you and your ex, and that one day you will be able to come back together in a healthy way. Hoping sometimes means that you envision your own healing, and believe that you will come out a stronger person. Hoping can mean believing that there is someone meant for you out there, someone willing to do the deep work it takes to co-create a conscious partnership.

Many relationships aren’t true partnerships. A lot of relationships are two people acting out their unhealed childhood wounds and putting their pain on each other. Half the time those toxic relationships are two people acting like children, mirroring each others’ insecurities. There’s nothing wrong with your child self…they just want to be seen and heard in ways they were not as children. The problem comes when we refuse to look at our wounds and acknowledge the pain we suffered as children. And trust me…no one rides this life for free….everyone’s got some swampy stuff they gotta look at with intention (and a trusted professional). We are just not equipped or educated in how to manage this stuff on our own. We have developed coping mechanisms that may work well enough, but then we are simply treating the symptoms and not addressing the root issues. Trying to heal your wounds by yourself is like trying to build a house by yourself…unless you’re a trained and skilled carpenter you’d have no f-ing clue where to start. Not to mention the importance of someone being there to hold safe space for your feelings. The reason we can’t heal by ourselves is that we heal through connection, we heal relationally. Unfortunately, many people shut that part of themselves down a long time ago…and now they are just going through life on autopilot. Doing the same shit on repeat and expecting different results. I digress…

For me, hope is something I grasp onto when going through a difficult time. It’s necessary and it’s probably a survival skill. The thing is…wether or not what we are hoping for actually comes to fruition (and even if it does it rarely looks the exact way we thought it would) isn’t even the point. The point is that hope is giving you the motivation to keep going. Tp continue moving forward towards something, towards a desired feeling. If that hope that helped you get through for awhile doesn’t actually come true…it may not even matter when you get there. Because by that time, you will have moved through the grief – and the healing you have done will actually be the point. You might even hope for something different, something new once you’ve healed.

Much Love,

Raina Aurora xo

Grey Clouds

Today feels heavy. Empty, lonely. The sky is grey and I feel nothing. Maybe the sadness is so overwhelming that nothing is easier to feel than sad. My heart aches and I think about what it’s like to be alone. Yes, I know I’m not totally alone in the world…but my days are not shared with a partner. No one is invested in the details of my day. It’s just me. Sometimes it feels liberating, but today doesn’t feel that way. Today feels too long and too heavy.

Why does doing ‘nothing’ when you’re with someone always feel better than doing nothing alone? Watching a stupid show feels more comforting when you’re with someone. Ordering take out feels more exciting when you have someone to share it with. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my alone time. But alone time when it’s a choice rather than a default feels different. Choosing to take time for yourself when you’re in a relationship feels very different than just being by yourself. There isn’t that person to make decisions with, to plan things with, to share ideas with. The only person making the decisions and plans is you.

Thankfully I have my little companion, Luna. She keeps me sane and grounded. I have a routine with her. She wakes me up and gets me out of bed and out of the house first thing. She depends on me to care for her. She gives me affection – even if they are wet doggy kisses. It gives me some sense of community – seeing the same people out with their dogs brings familiarity. I think a lot of people are lonely and having a pet helps with that. Although it’s not the same as human connection – it’s still something. A lot of people with dogs are couples though, and sometimes it feels hard doing it on my own. I am grateful that my sister and her boyfriend help me out with Luna and love her too.

I know that not all days feel grey; like the clouds it will shift. Tomorrow will feel different, energy will move. These feelings will pass. But for now, the only way to the other side of the sadness is through it. The aloneness, the heaviness feels like too much sometimes. I want to be busy all the time so I don’t have to feel so sad…yet at the same time I don’t want to do anything at all. I want to escape the sadness and also stay in it. It’s a weird feeling.

Moving on…

I used to numb myself with someone new

With alchohol, or food

Whatever came within my reach

All I needed was something to latch onto

*

Something to take me away from the pain

Of missing you

Now all I have is myself

my thoughts my body

my nerves and anxiety

this buzzing this unsettling

*

the reality of you being gone

felt like too much to bear

thought I would not survive it

without someone else there

*

to make me feel whole

worthy

human

still alive and still someone important

in this mess

*

now I no longer know how you spend your days

your nights

I don’t know how you slept

when you woke

what goals and dreams you are working on

what new dreams are coming to life

*

all I have is me

and my fur baby

and that’s enough

because the pain will pass

is already settling

*

I have myself now

and time

to realize my goals, my dreams

to be present for my reality

to be here for my life

*

my life doesn’t need you to survive

it needs me to thrive


Heartbreak

When it feels better to be sleeping than awake

When you have no appetite

When you want to mindlessly eat a pint of ice cream and you still feel numb

When it feels like a part of you is missing

When something inside you feels empty

When you are looking for something to fill up the empty space inside you

When your dog licks the tears off your face and you feel a little better

When you feel relief

When you want the pain gone even if you don’t want them back

When you try and bargain with yourself how much time you will take to get over them

When you revisit scenarios in the relationship and question your actions & behaviour

When you wonder if it was your fault

When you blame the other person

When you feel rage towards the other person and wonder why you put up with their bullshit for so long

When you can’t see yourself for how amazing you are

When you want to attach to something so badly it gnaws at you and you feel ravenous for love

When you don’t want to love ever again because you are afraid of being hurt

When you wonder how long you will be alone for

When you wonder why your relationships don’t work out

When you tell yourself you will be replaced

When you feel not good enough or compare yourself to others

When you feel anxiety and the fear of being replaced

When you wonder how much you mattered to that person

When you just want to be alone with your emptiness and depression

When you want to be around others so you don’t have to feel the emptiness or depression

When you make yourself do things because you know you will feel better if you do them

When you try and plan fun things for the future to take your mind off of the loss

When you question why you ignored the red flags in the beginning

When you seek therapy

When you read books

When you listen to podcasts

When you do things that you’d been putting off

When you start painting again

When you start running again

When you learn to love yourself

When you learn that you don’t need someone else to fill you up

When you listen to sad music on purpose and cry

When you watch funny movies to cheer yourself up

When sharing a laugh with a friend feels like a saving grace

When you look back at photos of the relationship and try to process the love and the loss

When you remember the love

When you remember the fights

When you tell yourself you will feel better soon

When you tell yourself, you’ve been through worse and gotten through it

When you know your old abandonment wounds have been triggered and that this is adding exponentially to the pain of this experience

When you know you need to heal your wounds before you can be whole with someone else

When you know that to love is a risk, but you would take it again

When you find comfort in the sadness and the grief, because it is evidence that love existed.

When you slowly but surely, move on and move forward in your life. Even when it doesn’t feel like you are – know that you are. Day by day, moment by moment. You are finding your way home to yourself – claiming a new version of the glorious YOU.