Trust is one of the things that basically keeps us alive in a sense. Without trust we probably wouldn’t get out of bed or leave the house. I know this from my personal experience, as I have been through a period of severe anxiety which came to full strength in the summer of 2017. I had many many wrenching ups and downs in the years before that since 2015 – experiencing PTSD while recovering from my trauma. I can confidently say that I am definitely on an uphill climb in my recovery – the place I am today feels miraculously different (and better) than where I was a couple years ago. My healing journey has never been linear and I think it is safe to say that no one person’s healing is ever like slowly rowing your well-equipped boat down a merry little stream.
My healing required tough-as-nails choices, some hard reality checks, an unwillingness to quit, and an unwavering commitment to Myself and to my growth. This all sounds sort of abstract so to give you a clear visual I will say this:
My journey was like climbing the grouse grind…with 40 pounds of bricks strapped to my back…two glasses of water in each hand (which must remain full by the time I reached the top), while balancing a fuzzy pillow on my head. Oh and I was naked. For those that aren’t local to Vancouver, the grouse grind is a steady uphill climb on the side of grouse mountain, comprised of uneven steps the entire way up. Just when you think you’ve been putting in a solid effort and it seems almost impossible to go on, you see that you are only at the 1/4 way mark. Sounds somewhat challenging, am I right? This analogy of what it takes to truly heal from the inside out is not meant to scare you…but to show you that it takes conviction. It was no small feat. The gold lining is that doing it – and continuing to be committed to your growth is worth its weight in diamonds.
So – Trust. This journey for me was so largely about re-building my trust that had been broken way too many times. Trust is laid carefully around us like bricks, it is our foundation from the moment we are born. We learn and try things and slowly begin to trust our surroundings and our environment. But we cannot learn to trust solely on our own either. We require care and love and safety from others – our parents/caregivers and family. We need to see trust demonstrated to us. Then we can begin to learn to trust and believe that we are safe.
Things will undoubtedly happen to us over the course of our lives where we feel scared or untrusting. These experiences will cause us to doubt others, ourselves and our environment. This is trauma and the degree of trauma depends on the degree to which your trust was broken. The good news is that trust is rebuildable. It takes TIME and PATIENCE and even more PATIENCE. It takes safe people and community. It takes taking responsibility for your own healing. We are NOT to blame for our trust being broken and we are definitely not at fault. We DO, however, owe it to ourselves to take the necessary action to heal our wounds. This is our call, and no one else can do it for us. We must relay the new bricks of our foundation. One by one. Start from scratch if you have to. Let go of the debris. I promise you this – your new foundation will be much more solid and resilient than the one you began with. Because these bricks are laid with purpose, with intention and with the utmost care.