Month: April 2019

Today my partner and I went to our first couples therapy session. I truly believe that almost all couples would benefit from taking the leap of going to counselling together. It is no secret that there are different phases in romantic relationship. The first is the honeymoon phase, during which you fall in love. Your new partner amazes you and you feel mostly happy and giddy about the potential which they bring to this new relationship. Rainbows and sunshine are all around, and you seem to have so much in common. Conversation is great and you feel like you are under the spell of their warmth and your heart radiates a child-like playfulness. 

The second phase in called the “power struggle”, wherein differences are revealed and you begin to notice things about your partner that were outshone by your rose-tinted glasses in the previous phase. Essentially, you and your partner become comfortable with each other and allow yourselves to be real and raw and human. Couples either work through this together or break up during this time. That obviously depends on many different factors in the relationship. I won’t say too much more about this and the following phases because there is a plethora of information available on the inter webs if you are interested. 

So – therapy. Why? I am a person who seeks growth, for Myself as an individual and in my relationship. I know that I need a partner who wants the same. I desire a relationship in which we deeply connect. People sometimes poo-poo therapy (although this stigma is changing) or assume that you are super messed up if you go to therapy. Well, I am a little messed up. But I’d rather be a little messed up and working on Myself than sitting like a log and waiting for life to get better. Plus – aren’t we all just a little crazy in our owns ways? What does Dr. Seuss call it – falling in mutual weirdness with someone. In my opinion, your quirks are what gives you character, what makes you unique, what stands in your way sometimes, and also what makes you shine. We need to start owning our quirks and weird things that we are scared people will judge us for. It’s what makes us human and lovable. 

During our therapy session we were asked to share 3 things that we appreciated about each other and how those things made us feel. Then we shared how those feelings and appreciations were familiar or unfamiliar to us growing up. We also repeated back to each other everything the other person had said, as a way to solidify that we had heard them and understood what they had said. There is nothing that makes you feel more listened to than someone else repeating back to you what you said. And being appreciated is such a great feeling. We all had certain needs as children and we seldom got them all met. Our therapist today told us that it is not by coincidence that we choose our mates. That our partner is actually the one who will give us the opportunity to heal those unmet needs, should we choose to. That is why our partner pushes all our buttons sometimes, because that person is unconsciously prompting you to fill those wounds with love and acceptance. 

Life is a series of choices – everyday choices like what to eat and what to wear, important choices like how to plan your day, giant monster-truck sized choices such as who to marry and when to have children or what the next step in your career is. These choices are presented to us – to choose the path of our lives, to be the director of our lives. Small choices lead to bigger choices. Small problems solved lead to better problems to solve. One thing is certain – we will always have choice (even if it is small), and we will always have problems. If you are waiting for the day your problems will magically disappear you will be waiting an eternity. Everyone has problems of some kind. The goal is just to have better problems than you used to have. I believe that life is happening for us, not to us. Time is precious. We have choice. So make a choice. Choose to acknowledge your fear, to face it. Choose to Love. Choose to believe. Choose to be courageous. Because time isn’t waiting for you. It will keep on going, and it is long but it moves steadily forward. So be here, do what puts a big phat grin on your face. Laugh and be silly because we don’t laugh enough. Tell someone that you appreciate them and why. Be kind to others – you don’t know their story. Love your body no matter WHAT. Be your own fucking hero. 

 

 

I have spent a lot of time in life worrying. Worrying about what others think of me, worrying about what the future is going to be like, worrying that I won’t be happy in the future, that I won’t be good enough, that I will feel stuck or lose Myself to the madness of the Patriarchy. The truth is most of the things that I worry about are unknown at this point and it is actually a waste of energy to worry about them. Most of the things I worry about aren’t even a reality or won’t even happen! But letting go or worry is scary – because then you will be freed up from all this time spent worrying. Then you actually have to live your life! And life is full of change, and change is scary so it’s easier to just worry about change than to face it.

The thing is (and this is very important to remember about change), is that you don’t have to have it all figured out. Even when we think we have it figured out we seldom do. Things go one way, or another or take a different turn. Not necessarily a bad turn or a good turn, just a different one than we could’ve anticipated. Life is always changing and evolving – that is a constant. And so are you. Wether you like it or not. It’s when we don’t embrace change and we try to control it that we get to feeling stuck in the muck. And the muck is never a fun place to be. The muck is where you try so hard to keep things the same – and it traps you. Yes change is scary,  but it is absolutely necessary for growth. I choose growth. The future is not certain nor entirely predictable…but how fun would Life be if it were??

So if you don’t have to have it all figured out then what do you do even do? Just go running blindfolded into a brick wall? Well…sometimes yes. And it hurts for a bit. But you’ll get over it (the pain, not the wall). The first thing you need to do is figure out how you want to feel. And then figure out how to get that feeling. When your goals are feeling-based they are always more meaningful. So, you have your goal in mind with all the pretty feelings associated with it and now what? Well, it is actually very simple. You just take one step (figuratively speaking). Just the next small step that will move you an inch closer to achieving your goal. Be patient and let the answers reveal themselves with time. Trust in the process and be interested in the process, because most of the time that’s half the fun. Sometimes when you have worked so hard to achieve your goal and you finally reach it, like 3 or 4 other goals are like “Hey! You weren’t even trying for us but you may as well knock us out too while you’re here!” And just like that, you be crushin’ goals all at once when you didn’t even expect it.

The Truth is that you are ok. You are inherently good. And anyone who thinks otherwise can get the F right outta your way. Because you simply have no time for them. You have no time for the non-believers. You are too busy being a badass. You only have time for those that bring MAGIC to your world. For those precious humans that believe you and support you. The ones that are so bright they light up your life – those are the people you have time for. Because that’s who YOU are.

So tell worry to take a hike or a back seat, whichever you prefer. Because you are most definitely not your worries. They are a waste of that beautiful space in your mind. Don’t abandon all caution, that is not what I am saying. Use your common sense and tune into your wisdom and intuition to give you guidance. But don’t listen to those thoughts rumbling and tumbling around in your head all day. Let them duke it out with each other because eventually they will tire when they realize you aren’t paying them much attention anyways. You have better things to do. 

Anyone with the slogan “Posi-vibes only” as their life goal should just live in a room full of shiny pillows while only eating cream puffs for the rest of their lives. Seriously tho, take your positive vibes and suck it. It’s a crock of shit. Let’s get real for a minute here, no one on this earth (unless maybe you are a buddhist monk or have transcended the human experience) is positive all the time. Cuz fuck, complaining feels GOOD. Especially when you have people to complain with or to complain to. Commiserating together is a great feeling. But it’s not lasting and doesn’t hold much integrity. Also, no one is happy all of the time. Like when people say “I’m just a happy person”….um no you don’t get to own one single emotion that defines your entire being. It’s not possible and actually makes you inhuman. So if you are a “happy person” all of the time, I suspect you are probably disguised as a nasty troll. 

The happiest people I have met in my life actually experience a wide variety of emotions at deep levels. They feel incredibly sad at times, furiously angry, and yes they also experience feeling totally blissed the F out. You can’t possibly BE happy all the time because if you were never sad, you would have nothing to compare happiness to. So happiness would just be a perm-state in which you live, making you a toad. I bet even toads get pissed off sometimes, sitting on those slimy rocks. Until they catch a juicy little fly on their tongue and they’re like, fuck ya! These slimy ass rocks be so worth sittin’ on! 

Basically, I believe that the degree to which you have felt pain also allows you to experience that same degree of blissful joy. Not saying you’re gonna feel super joyful just because you felt sad yesterday, but do know that you are CAPABLE of feeling joy to that level. People who want to be happy all the time and won’t accept any negativity in their lives are basically too uncomfortable with their own pain to be exposed to any of yours. Hell no they don’t wanna hear that shit! Cuz it stirs up their own unresolved pain! Now, I’m not saying you should just roll over and let people bulldoze your emotions with their trauma stories. However, depending on your won capacity of course and this will be different for everyone, maybe it is ok for people to share like a toy size Tonka truck of their pain with you. Lend an ear, be curious, listen, perhaps relate through your own experiences. Show empathy. 

Back to my “positive vibes only” tribes out there…can I just hit you with a little dose of beautiful realness please. In this crazy time of instagram fame and twitter scandals, people are bombarded with people’s best stories, their best selfies, their best OOTDs, their best vacations etc etc. We are posting as if to say, look at me, my shit’s on LOCK every damn day. But no, your shit is NOT looking primo every damn day. I know mine isn’t. So now we have subconsciously registered in our minds that is it NOT ok to be unhappy, or to feel sad, or joyless, or depressed, or anxious. We feel anxious because the world is telling us we need to feel good. We are told that not feeling good is not okay. And we are buying it. We are believing that feeling shitty is somehow really really not okay. We are then trying to find the quickest way to feel better. Let me tell you – the easiest and quickest way to feeling happy or better is most often not the healthiest, nor does it have much longevity. Unless it’s petting a puppy or a bunny.

Can I just give you a giant myth buster right now?! FEELING SHITTY IS 100% OKAY. It’s OKAY to feel lost, or anxious, or depressed, or disheartened, or sad, or vulnerable. These feelings are real and they are meant to be felt for a reason. Expect to have challenges in life, expect things to be hard. Especially things that are really worth having. Except there to road blocks, detours and hiccups – metaphorically and literally. You can’t escape it so may as well embrace it. What you DO have control over is what you do next when you experience these challenges. Where do you go from here? How do you respond when life stretches you to new places? What will your very next move be? What will your next small but mighty step be? What is life trying to teach you? What lessons are here to be learned? What awareness is there to be gained?

Hoping you all have a good, or bad, day. Whichever is in your best interest to grow to new heights tomorrow.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness recently and what it means. What does it mean to forgive someone who has hurt you, and what does it mean to forgive yourself for ways in which you may have wronged others? What does it take to forgive someone and does it require an apology from the other party?

To get clear I needed to look up exactly what defines forgiveness and it is this:

*Forgive (verb): stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

This definition actually surprised me, because for a long time I was assuming forgiveness meant that you actually have to like the person again or somehow be totally ok with what happened. It doesn’t magically make what happened all good again, but it does mean that you have let go of the resentment you were carrying. It’s not a thumbs up for hurtful behaviour. Forgiveness means you have truly healed and chosen to see that people are imperfect, people make mistakes, and people sometimes treat you poorly – yet it is not a reflection of you. That’s on them to figure out. But I am choosing to let it go.

I was surprised by the people I have come to forgive, and the people I haven’t. Some people may take much longer to forgive than others, due to the severity of the pain they caused. That is ok too. Forgiveness takes time, you can’t force it or rush it. Pretending everything is hunky-dory when it’s not and stuffing it down is also not forgiveness. Reflecting on people who have hurt me and feeling much more neutral towards them now is a very freeing feeling. Sometimes we may wish to rebuild relationships with those people, and sometimes those people are much better left in the distant rearview of our lives. The truth is you will probably never get an apology from many of the people who have hurt you. They may be too caught up in their own stuff or simply unable to recognize how their actions affected others. But this doesn’t mean you have to live stunted from these experiences forever.

My recent mantra to Myself:

It is not my fault for the shitty things that happened to me in the past. It is my responsibility to Myself to heal from it.