I don’t know about you, but this pandemic has created a shit storm of messiness inside me. But what feels messy is usually needed. When things remain too prim and proper for too long, we miss the beauty. We miss the innuendos and small saplings trying to grow. We miss our growth opportunities.
For me, this time has been a huge growth opportunity – and it’s scary as fuck. I don’t have all the usual distractions of daily life as I knew it, before this ‘social distancing’ began (work, social gatherings, family visits, appointments etc.) What I am left with is My Self. I do enjoy my own company and I am not afraid to be with my own thoughts and feelings. The trouble is trusting the time and the process it will take to unravel these difficult emotions.
I was out in my backyard gardening yesterday, feeling pretty out of it. I am also weaning myself off of my anti-depressants (which is a whole other post). So the feelings coming up are more alive, more tangible than before. They refuse to be ignored. They refused to be flatlined. So – I was “spring cleaning” my backyard with the help of my partner. To be honest, neither of us have done any gardening in our lives so it is kind of like the blind leading the blind. But we did our best and I think a lot of it is instinctual. Example: “this looks like a weed, lets rip it out”!
Here I am, using my big gardening shears and cutting and pulling out big thorny, un-belonging branches. The weeds had become intertwined with the flowering trees and bushes; stifling their beauty. It felt really good hacking away at these monstrous thorny weeds. They were so persistent in continuing along their path of growing in, around and through whatever was in their way. Destructive little devils. Their thorns hurt like hell when you touched them.
These weeds are like my childhood wounds. Persistently there, willing to cloud the beauty of life. They are there, making things messy and hard to decipher. Left unattended, they will continue to grow and be there; taking over more beauty. BUT – I gardened. I took a step at clearing these weeds. I got a lot of them out and now as I look at my garden of shrubs and bushes and flowering trees, I can see clearer. I can make out a little bit better what is what and where each one ends and begins.
Today I took a walk down a short pathway through the overgrowth in one corner of my backyard, to a viewpoint where I can see the creek below. Something called me there. I squatted there near the dirt and looked at all the giant overgrowth and weeds that are too much for me to take out at this point. This is a whole other hidden section of our backyard that will be cleared at some point (possibly by a professional). I realized that there, right there are my wounds. Hiding in plain sight. Even as I admire our hard work yesterday, I can see there is more work to be done. I can see things that need more clearing and more openness.
Still hovering there close to the dirt, I gazed down at the ever-flowing creek below. “This is the goal”, I thought. This is where I want to be. This creek is Peace. It’s steady, rhythmic flow – everyday different and yet it sounds the same. Peace may always be with me in different ways, but it will sound the same to my Soul. Clearing the overgrowth of my pain will lead me to this creek, this Peace. This Love. The work won’t be easy, but I promise Myself it will be worth it.
I can recall so many times before, when I have had to do brilliantly difficult things. I recall how I made it though, even when it seemed impossible. Even when I thought it would kill me – it didn’t. I am still here. Am I Afraid? Yes. Is it Impossible? No. Can I get through hard things and clear more space for my Soul to be known and Loved? Absolutely. I’m not expecting it to be easy – that I know for sure. People have been marching and protesting and fighting for Peace since…since a long ass time. I feel this message in my Body as I think “maybe Peace isn’t in the fight, but the surrender”.
Surrendering to Love.