Month: May 2021

Hope…it gives us the courage to keep going in dark times. It offers a glimmer of relief, a place we can go inside ourselves that offers solace and refuge when we don’t feel good. When we feel hurt we can turn to hope. Maybe it is the only thing that really gets us through sometimes.

Hope is a powerful force. We can create scenarios in our mind that haven’t even happened and it requires imagination and belief to exist. When going through a breakup, specifically, hope is the thing that gets me through those painful feelings. It offers a relief to my Soul, like a promise that there is something better on the other side of this pain. Sometimes hoping means thinking that maybe things will eventually work out between you and your ex, and that one day you will be able to come back together in a healthy way. Hoping sometimes means that you envision your own healing, and believe that you will come out a stronger person. Hoping can mean believing that there is someone meant for you out there, someone willing to do the deep work it takes to co-create a conscious partnership.

Many relationships aren’t true partnerships. A lot of relationships are two people acting out their unhealed childhood wounds and putting their pain on each other. Half the time those toxic relationships are two people acting like children, mirroring each others’ insecurities. There’s nothing wrong with your child self…they just want to be seen and heard in ways they were not as children. The problem comes when we refuse to look at our wounds and acknowledge the pain we suffered as children. And trust me…no one rides this life for free….everyone’s got some swampy stuff they gotta look at with intention (and a trusted professional). We are just not equipped or educated in how to manage this stuff on our own. We have developed coping mechanisms that may work well enough, but then we are simply treating the symptoms and not addressing the root issues. Trying to heal your wounds by yourself is like trying to build a house by yourself…unless you’re a trained and skilled carpenter you’d have no f-ing clue where to start. Not to mention the importance of someone being there to hold safe space for your feelings. The reason we can’t heal by ourselves is that we heal through connection, we heal relationally. Unfortunately, many people shut that part of themselves down a long time ago…and now they are just going through life on autopilot. Doing the same shit on repeat and expecting different results. I digress…

For me, hope is something I grasp onto when going through a difficult time. It’s necessary and it’s probably a survival skill. The thing is…wether or not what we are hoping for actually comes to fruition (and even if it does it rarely looks the exact way we thought it would) isn’t even the point. The point is that hope is giving you the motivation to keep going. Tp continue moving forward towards something, towards a desired feeling. If that hope that helped you get through for awhile doesn’t actually come true…it may not even matter when you get there. Because by that time, you will have moved through the grief – and the healing you have done will actually be the point. You might even hope for something different, something new once you’ve healed.

Much Love,

Raina Aurora xo

Today feels heavy. Empty, lonely. The sky is grey and I feel nothing. Maybe the sadness is so overwhelming that nothing is easier to feel than sad. My heart aches and I think about what it’s like to be alone. Yes, I know I’m not totally alone in the world…but my days are not shared with a partner. No one is invested in the details of my day. It’s just me. Sometimes it feels liberating, but today doesn’t feel that way. Today feels too long and too heavy.

Why does doing ‘nothing’ when you’re with someone always feel better than doing nothing alone? Watching a stupid show feels more comforting when you’re with someone. Ordering take out feels more exciting when you have someone to share it with. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my alone time. But alone time when it’s a choice rather than a default feels different. Choosing to take time for yourself when you’re in a relationship feels very different than just being by yourself. There isn’t that person to make decisions with, to plan things with, to share ideas with. The only person making the decisions and plans is you.

Thankfully I have my little companion, Luna. She keeps me sane and grounded. I have a routine with her. She wakes me up and gets me out of bed and out of the house first thing. She depends on me to care for her. She gives me affection – even if they are wet doggy kisses. It gives me some sense of community – seeing the same people out with their dogs brings familiarity. I think a lot of people are lonely and having a pet helps with that. Although it’s not the same as human connection – it’s still something. A lot of people with dogs are couples though, and sometimes it feels hard doing it on my own. I am grateful that my sister and her boyfriend help me out with Luna and love her too.

I know that not all days feel grey; like the clouds it will shift. Tomorrow will feel different, energy will move. These feelings will pass. But for now, the only way to the other side of the sadness is through it. The aloneness, the heaviness feels like too much sometimes. I want to be busy all the time so I don’t have to feel so sad…yet at the same time I don’t want to do anything at all. I want to escape the sadness and also stay in it. It’s a weird feeling.

I used to numb myself with someone new

With alchohol, or food

Whatever came within my reach

All I needed was something to latch onto

*

Something to take me away from the pain

Of missing you

Now all I have is myself

my thoughts my body

my nerves and anxiety

this buzzing this unsettling

*

the reality of you being gone

felt like too much to bear

thought I would not survive it

without someone else there

*

to make me feel whole

worthy

human

still alive and still someone important

in this mess

*

now I no longer know how you spend your days

your nights

I don’t know how you slept

when you woke

what goals and dreams you are working on

what new dreams are coming to life

*

all I have is me

and my fur baby

and that’s enough

because the pain will pass

is already settling

*

I have myself now

and time

to realize my goals, my dreams

to be present for my reality

to be here for my life

*

my life doesn’t need you to survive

it needs me to thrive