Today feels heavy. Empty, lonely. The sky is grey and I feel nothing. Maybe the sadness is so overwhelming that nothing is easier to feel than sad. My heart aches and I think about what it’s like to be alone. Yes, I know I’m not totally alone in the world…but my days are not shared with a partner. No one is invested in the details of my day. It’s just me. Sometimes it feels liberating, but today doesn’t feel that way. Today feels too long and too heavy.
Why does doing ‘nothing’ when you’re with someone always feel better than doing nothing alone? Watching a stupid show feels more comforting when you’re with someone. Ordering take out feels more exciting when you have someone to share it with. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my alone time. But alone time when it’s a choice rather than a default feels different. Choosing to take time for yourself when you’re in a relationship feels very different than just being by yourself. There isn’t that person to make decisions with, to plan things with, to share ideas with. The only person making the decisions and plans is you.
Thankfully I have my little companion, Luna. She keeps me sane and grounded. I have a routine with her. She wakes me up and gets me out of bed and out of the house first thing. She depends on me to care for her. She gives me affection – even if they are wet doggy kisses. It gives me some sense of community – seeing the same people out with their dogs brings familiarity. I think a lot of people are lonely and having a pet helps with that. Although it’s not the same as human connection – it’s still something. A lot of people with dogs are couples though, and sometimes it feels hard doing it on my own. I am grateful that my sister and her boyfriend help me out with Luna and love her too.
I know that not all days feel grey; like the clouds it will shift. Tomorrow will feel different, energy will move. These feelings will pass. But for now, the only way to the other side of the sadness is through it. The aloneness, the heaviness feels like too much sometimes. I want to be busy all the time so I don’t have to feel so sad…yet at the same time I don’t want to do anything at all. I want to escape the sadness and also stay in it. It’s a weird feeling.