A Love Letter…

Dear little one,

I would imagine that you are feeling so scared right now. So unsure and uncertain…it probably feels like your whole world has been turned upside down. In a way, it has. These are big feelings to feel, and they can feel really intense and scary. You might not even know how to name them or say how you’re feeling right now.

I know you are very sad because I cry with you, and for you. Remember that tears are healthy and healing. It’s so good to let it out. These feelings you are experiencing are so normal, especially with everything you’ve been through and are going through now.

I am here for you now, and I am so sorry that I wasn’t so many times before. I didn’t know how to be with you, and I’m still learning. I turned to external things to try and feel better, which in turn only made you feel even more alone. I chose people who only repeated the cycle of abandonment, and scraped at the wounds you already carry inside. Those wounds run deep, and they are so painful and heavy to carry around. It’s okay to feel the sadness and the pain, because now I am here with you. I will be here with you every step of the way.

You are my angel, my Love, my light and softness. You are the gentle and sensitive parts of me. You deserve all the Love and attention that you crave. You are worthy of my Love and attention. I am so sorry I left you when I kept trying to find another to help myself feel whole. I didn’t know that I could feel whole on my own. By giving you my Love and attention, I won’t need to reach and seek for another like an addiction. Please forgive me for looking to the wrong things and the wrong people, I didn’t know any better at the time. I was trying to do what I thought I needed – trying to feel whole in the ‘wrong’ ways. I just felt more and more empty – as you felt more and more alone. This makes me feel so sad.

As I looked at your picture this morning I really saw you, felt you. You were so small and innocent, so wild and free. You are a part of Me, living in Me and through Me. We are One. You were so happy playing on the beach in the sand, looking at the little ocean creatures. You Loved your Mom, Dad and Sister so much and felt so close to them. Such a pure curiosity about the world. Nature was such a joyous place. Perhaps that is why I find such peace and centering in nature. Grounding among the trees and hope looking out at the sea. We have such a belonging to nature, You and I. We feel free here, to just BE. To be in our bodies, in our joy and belonging to Ourselves. It feels like Love. It feels like Home.

Here I am, my sweet little angel. I am here, for you and with you. I promise. Take my hand, or run free like the sea, just know I’ll be watching and protecting. I got you. I Love you my little girl.

Little Girl

My sweet little girl is so sad. She feels so lost and forgotten. Breakups have always been a real challenge for me, because my wounds are so deep. Whenever my abandonment wound gets triggered, I tell myself the same stories

1) I am not wanted

2) I wasn’t good enough

3) I’m not worth someone staying

4) I will probably be forgotten and/or replaced

These types of beliefs are hurtful to myself and extremely painful to be with. The logical part of me knows they simply aren’t true, but the pain runs so deep that it often takes over. The best thing to do for myself during these times is to slow down and be with my little girl.

So often we make ourselves busy when we are in pain, buying things to feel better, drinking more, staying up late, trying to find another to fill the void of intimacy we have lost. Although I don’t do all these things anymore (thank god), I do engage in some of these patterns. It never makes me feel better, and if it does it is only fleeting or temporary. Because the only way to move through pain is to actually slow down and be with it. Bit by bit, day by day, little by little. We can’t feel it all at once – it would be too heavy. But we do have to take time to be with our pain.

The most helpful thing I can do for myself when I am in pain – when my core wounds are activated and feel so tender – is to spend time with my little girl. Close my eyes and check in with Her. See what She needs, ask her how She is feeling. It doesn’t take long to get it touch with your little one, and it is usually obvious very quickly how they are feeling. The miraculous part about being with your inner child is that it actually makes you stop craving and reaching for all the other things you thought you needed to feel better. It doesn’t happen overnight, but, in time you will feel a shift. Less reaching, less desperation. More acceptance and contentment.

Allowing the space for my little girl to have her feelings is one of the most important aspects of my healing. She wants so badly to feel wanted, to feel cared about and listened to. She needs to feel heard and craves being understood. When She doesn’t feel these things She acts out by trying to prove Herself. To prove She is worthy of being chosen. The problem with trying to be chosen is I tend to forget my own needs and focus more on someone choosing me, rather than me deciding if that person is actually a good fit for me.

I need to chose Myself first, take care of Me and my own energy, my own safety and needs. Make my needs a priority. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel like they are fairly consistently getting their needs met. It feels like a win-win. Of course, it is impossible to expect our partner to be able to meet all of our needs all of the time. We have to learn how to do it for ourselves too. It is unrealistic to expect our partner to meet all of our expectations, but we DO have to be able to communicate about it and be conscious of both our own needs and those of our partner.

I should never have to prove to someone that I am worthy, because I am worthy of Love just as I am in this moment. I should never have to chase someone to Love me, because I am Lovable already. I should never have to try to convince someone, or remind someone to want Me, because I am wanted, most importantly, by My Self.

Lessons in Love, Loss and Peace

sometimes things need to break so you can learn to bend

sometimes you need to bend instead of break

sometimes happiness is the opposite of everything you thought you needed

sometimes your full aliveness is just on the other side of the pain

sometimes the pain makes you feel alive

*

sometimes strength is the thing inside you that keeps you messy

sometimes the messiness is the beauty

sometimes the hardest thing to do is the thing you most need to do

*

when loving yourself feels impossible

stay strong

believe

in the messy

in your own beating heart

working for you, beating for you

*

don’t let anyone take that heart from you

feel the pure joy of your own existence

in this full beautiful world

trust your capacity to experience the world

and to be okay in the end

to be raw in the middle

to continue to come back to peace, to breath

*

fill your lungs full with the love of life

the love of song and dance

the love of feeling free

dancing with the sea

*

letting your salt water tears flow

deep down into the ocean

let her carry you

move you

*

to higher places

higher peaks

don’t waste your younger years

your older years

on anyone who cannot hold you with the tenderness and love

you hold for yourself

*

beyond anything or anyone

hold yourself with so much love

welcome and embrace the darkness within

love it even when it is hard

shine some light on those tender parts

and let that light heal every part of your soul

*

know that you are imperfect

and also perfect

because you made it here

all this way, in this beautiful life

look at what you’ve created

for yourself

this is just the dawn of your best years.

*

chase down your fears

wrangle with them

look them straight in the eye

and say

I’ve got this

I can do it

it won’t be perfect, but I can and I will

and WATCH

as you OVERCOME with the rise of every morning sun.

*

Stop chasing happiness

and chase yourself instead

the happiness will show up

like MAGIC.

Hope

Hope…it gives us the courage to keep going in dark times. It offers a glimmer of relief, a place we can go inside ourselves that offers solace and refuge when we don’t feel good. When we feel hurt we can turn to hope. Maybe it is the only thing that really gets us through sometimes.

Hope is a powerful force. We can create scenarios in our mind that haven’t even happened and it requires imagination and belief to exist. When going through a breakup, specifically, hope is the thing that gets me through those painful feelings. It offers a relief to my Soul, like a promise that there is something better on the other side of this pain. Sometimes hoping means thinking that maybe things will eventually work out between you and your ex, and that one day you will be able to come back together in a healthy way. Hoping sometimes means that you envision your own healing, and believe that you will come out a stronger person. Hoping can mean believing that there is someone meant for you out there, someone willing to do the deep work it takes to co-create a conscious partnership.

Many relationships aren’t true partnerships. A lot of relationships are two people acting out their unhealed childhood wounds and putting their pain on each other. Half the time those toxic relationships are two people acting like children, mirroring each others’ insecurities. There’s nothing wrong with your child self…they just want to be seen and heard in ways they were not as children. The problem comes when we refuse to look at our wounds and acknowledge the pain we suffered as children. And trust me…no one rides this life for free….everyone’s got some swampy stuff they gotta look at with intention (and a trusted professional). We are just not equipped or educated in how to manage this stuff on our own. We have developed coping mechanisms that may work well enough, but then we are simply treating the symptoms and not addressing the root issues. Trying to heal your wounds by yourself is like trying to build a house by yourself…unless you’re a trained and skilled carpenter you’d have no f-ing clue where to start. Not to mention the importance of someone being there to hold safe space for your feelings. The reason we can’t heal by ourselves is that we heal through connection, we heal relationally. Unfortunately, many people shut that part of themselves down a long time ago…and now they are just going through life on autopilot. Doing the same shit on repeat and expecting different results. I digress…

For me, hope is something I grasp onto when going through a difficult time. It’s necessary and it’s probably a survival skill. The thing is…wether or not what we are hoping for actually comes to fruition (and even if it does it rarely looks the exact way we thought it would) isn’t even the point. The point is that hope is giving you the motivation to keep going. Tp continue moving forward towards something, towards a desired feeling. If that hope that helped you get through for awhile doesn’t actually come true…it may not even matter when you get there. Because by that time, you will have moved through the grief – and the healing you have done will actually be the point. You might even hope for something different, something new once you’ve healed.

Much Love,

Raina Aurora xo

Grey Clouds

Today feels heavy. Empty, lonely. The sky is grey and I feel nothing. Maybe the sadness is so overwhelming that nothing is easier to feel than sad. My heart aches and I think about what it’s like to be alone. Yes, I know I’m not totally alone in the world…but my days are not shared with a partner. No one is invested in the details of my day. It’s just me. Sometimes it feels liberating, but today doesn’t feel that way. Today feels too long and too heavy.

Why does doing ‘nothing’ when you’re with someone always feel better than doing nothing alone? Watching a stupid show feels more comforting when you’re with someone. Ordering take out feels more exciting when you have someone to share it with. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my alone time. But alone time when it’s a choice rather than a default feels different. Choosing to take time for yourself when you’re in a relationship feels very different than just being by yourself. There isn’t that person to make decisions with, to plan things with, to share ideas with. The only person making the decisions and plans is you.

Thankfully I have my little companion, Luna. She keeps me sane and grounded. I have a routine with her. She wakes me up and gets me out of bed and out of the house first thing. She depends on me to care for her. She gives me affection – even if they are wet doggy kisses. It gives me some sense of community – seeing the same people out with their dogs brings familiarity. I think a lot of people are lonely and having a pet helps with that. Although it’s not the same as human connection – it’s still something. A lot of people with dogs are couples though, and sometimes it feels hard doing it on my own. I am grateful that my sister and her boyfriend help me out with Luna and love her too.

I know that not all days feel grey; like the clouds it will shift. Tomorrow will feel different, energy will move. These feelings will pass. But for now, the only way to the other side of the sadness is through it. The aloneness, the heaviness feels like too much sometimes. I want to be busy all the time so I don’t have to feel so sad…yet at the same time I don’t want to do anything at all. I want to escape the sadness and also stay in it. It’s a weird feeling.

Moving on…

I used to numb myself with someone new

With alchohol, or food

Whatever came within my reach

All I needed was something to latch onto

*

Something to take me away from the pain

Of missing you

Now all I have is myself

my thoughts my body

my nerves and anxiety

this buzzing this unsettling

*

the reality of you being gone

felt like too much to bear

thought I would not survive it

without someone else there

*

to make me feel whole

worthy

human

still alive and still someone important

in this mess

*

now I no longer know how you spend your days

your nights

I don’t know how you slept

when you woke

what goals and dreams you are working on

what new dreams are coming to life

*

all I have is me

and my fur baby

and that’s enough

because the pain will pass

is already settling

*

I have myself now

and time

to realize my goals, my dreams

to be present for my reality

to be here for my life

*

my life doesn’t need you to survive

it needs me to thrive


Heartbreak

When it feels better to be sleeping than awake

When you have no appetite

When you want to mindlessly eat a pint of ice cream and you still feel numb

When it feels like a part of you is missing

When something inside you feels empty

When you are looking for something to fill up the empty space inside you

When your dog licks the tears off your face and you feel a little better

When you feel relief

When you want the pain gone even if you don’t want them back

When you try and bargain with yourself how much time you will take to get over them

When you revisit scenarios in the relationship and question your actions & behaviour

When you wonder if it was your fault

When you blame the other person

When you feel rage towards the other person and wonder why you put up with their bullshit for so long

When you can’t see yourself for how amazing you are

When you want to attach to something so badly it gnaws at you and you feel ravenous for love

When you don’t want to love ever again because you are afraid of being hurt

When you wonder how long you will be alone for

When you wonder why your relationships don’t work out

When you tell yourself you will be replaced

When you feel not good enough or compare yourself to others

When you feel anxiety and the fear of being replaced

When you wonder how much you mattered to that person

When you just want to be alone with your emptiness and depression

When you want to be around others so you don’t have to feel the emptiness or depression

When you make yourself do things because you know you will feel better if you do them

When you try and plan fun things for the future to take your mind off of the loss

When you question why you ignored the red flags in the beginning

When you seek therapy

When you read books

When you listen to podcasts

When you do things that you’d been putting off

When you start painting again

When you start running again

When you learn to love yourself

When you learn that you don’t need someone else to fill you up

When you listen to sad music on purpose and cry

When you watch funny movies to cheer yourself up

When sharing a laugh with a friend feels like a saving grace

When you look back at photos of the relationship and try to process the love and the loss

When you remember the love

When you remember the fights

When you tell yourself you will feel better soon

When you tell yourself, you’ve been through worse and gotten through it

When you know your old abandonment wounds have been triggered and that this is adding exponentially to the pain of this experience

When you know you need to heal your wounds before you can be whole with someone else

When you know that to love is a risk, but you would take it again

When you find comfort in the sadness and the grief, because it is evidence that love existed.

When you slowly but surely, move on and move forward in your life. Even when it doesn’t feel like you are – know that you are. Day by day, moment by moment. You are finding your way home to yourself – claiming a new version of the glorious YOU.

Why does change take so much courage?

Change is a constant in life. It is the one thing we can be sure of, the one thing we can count on. We can be sure that things will change and we will evolve. If this is the one thing we can count on as an absolute in life, then why do we come up against such resistance to change?

As humans, we like to attach ourselves to things – to feel safe, to create a sense of Self, to give some meaning to who and what we are here for. Things, places and people can help us feel comfortable and safe. We need some sense of familiar. Especially if we have any unsecure attachments styles, which most of us do. There’s also nothing wrong with needing familiarity and consistency. We all have a need to feel safe.

The resistance to the change that is being asked of us seems so daunting so we find ourselves pushing against it like we are trying to move a brick wall. But the brick wall is closing in on us and we find ourselves with less and less wiggle room the harder we resist our friend change. It is uncomfortable and we like comfort, but if we are here to grow then we must become friends with discomfort. This discomfort is in letting the old version of who you were go, and welcoming in the new one. The discomfort is here to prepare you for the new person you are becoming. The One you are meant to become. Trust who you are becoming.

Everything you know about yourself, or everything you have decided you know about yourself is adaptable. Most of the beliefs we have about who we are, or who our ego believes we are is just a set of ideas we have made up to attach ourselves to. Think about it, people can say that they are “who they are” and that is just who they are. But the only reason they won’t evolve or change is because they are scared to. You can attach yourself to pretty much anything, a way of dressing, eating, living. All of that is some idea that you’ve come up with about yourself and who you are or who you have to be. You have the ability to change anything once you decide that you have a new standard for yourself.

Who you are at your core is so much more than any material thing, any way of eating, any way speaking or behaving. You are a beautiful being of pure Love. Somewhere along the way your heart was broken, and probably broken again. Tiny love cracks get in. They change us and the way we see the world. But we don’t have to live by those old stories. We can set a new standard. Once we attach ourselves to a new way of being in this world, we will naturally do everything in our power to prove that standard and live by it. We will look for any means we can to confirm our new standard for ourselves.

Think of any major life change you have successfully made. It was probably because you set a new standard for yourself and became unable to accept any less for yourself. You evolved and attached to that new version of yourself.

We are always evolving, we are not ever just “who we are” nor are we ever stuck in any one pattern or behaviour. But it is a choice and the choice is not a simple one. It is a deep knowing, a GUT knowing. That something bigger is being asked of us. Something stronger burns within you for more. And when we listen to that burning inside there is no telling exactly how great the gifts ahead of us are.

Once we decide and stand by our new vision for ourself, not much can get in our way because we will always find our way back to that truth. The Universe will always be guiding us back to our truth…and if we don’t listen we will only hurt more. The denial will become harder and more painful. Listen for your truth. Get really quiet and listen. The journey won’t be easy. Listening and deciding is only the very beginning. Small or sometimes really huge steps of action are required. Saying no to what longer serves. Saying yes to new and uncomfortable things that we know will benefit us in the long run. Letting go of whatever “idea” we had about ourselves and who we were up until this point. An action, a habit or a behaviour doesn’t define you. But it does tell a story about where you’re at. So let that story be a fucking incredible one.

Choose habits that are Soul-serving, not Soul-numbing. We spend too much of this life distracted from our truth. Distracted from nature, from real beauty. Trying to escape our inner world. Too much time running from the fountain of tears that beg to be cried. Stop running. Be still and cry. Feel it all. You’ll survive it. You already have.

Freedom, Security and Emotional Exhaustion

We all want to feel free. What does freedom feel like? It feels like we can be our full, authentic true selves. We are wholeheartedly accepted for who we are and what we have to offer this world. We feel free from judgement, criticism and shame. We feel unconditionally loved. We crave this feeling at the core of our being.

Freedom feels big and vast and spacious. It can even feel scary. We may not even know what to do with it. Part of the reason it feels scary is because we are afraid of our own power. We are afraid of the true potential of who we really are and everything that we can bring to the world. Our gifts are boundless and our capacity to Love is greater than we know. Our ability to feel is stronger than we allow ourselves to acknowledge.

We have been trained and taught how to shut our feelings down. How to avoid, how to constantly carry on and carry through. How would it be if we allowed ourselves to feel the uncomfortable things? If we let ourselves shift gears – into a slower way of being? If we didn’t consistently push and rush and expect things to happen instantly? What would change within us if we allowed ourselves to experience the full cycle of our emotions?

Emotions, or feelings, are literally always “in-motion”. Nothing you feel right now will last forever. Not the good or the bad. Things will evolve. Things will change. If this year has taught me anything it is that change has to be expected. We have to learn to dance with the change.

Individually and collectively there are so many of us that feel burnt out from this year. Emotional exhaustion is a clear symptom of burnout and it can happen when there isn’t enough time and space to complete the cycle of an emotion. Not surprising since most of us are way busier than our bodies want to be. Our body is the space-holder for all emotions. They live and are stored inside us. We must give ourselves a safe container to process our emotions fully. This happens in time as the body feels ready and safe to do so.

Just as much as we crave freedom, we crave security. We need to know we are loved. We need to know we are cared for. These are not superficial needs – they are very real human needs – as much as we need food and water. We need to know someone values and sees us. We want to be seen for who we are at a Soul-level. We want the validation that we are inherently GOOD. That we matter. That we are doing an amazing job – that the work we do and the effort we put in matters. We want to feel appreciated.

How can we feel both free and secure in relationship? This seems to be the struggle in almost every relationship. Two people with different backgrounds, experiences, ways of thinking, and ways of coping. How can both people feel free to be authentically who they are and also feel safe and secure within the relationship? This I feel is a lifelong learning. One that requires a great deal of patience, learning, vulnerability, compassion, empathy and our own inner work.

For myself, I know that when I start to feel burnt out or emotionally exhausted, I need to tend to my needs. I need to slow down. Have a bath. Get a massage. Read a book. Journal, meditate, give myself time and space to feel. Sometimes I need to cry, sometimes I need to watch a funny movie. Cook myself a good meal. Spend time in nature. Connect with loved ones. Sometimes talking isn’t even necessary but just knowing someone is there for you can make a world of difference. Sometimes there is comfort in silence. Petting and playing with my puppy helps me feel grounded and connected to another being. It takes me out of my head and my spinning thoughts.

This year has been a huge learning, a process of adapting to new situations and circumstances. A process of letting go and opening up. A process of losing myself and finding myself over and over again. A process of understanding my own wounds, my own triggers, my own hurt. Understanding how big my heart is. How deeply I am able to love and how much I crave love and acceptance.

These are far from easy times for any of us. Let’s not forget that the state of the world affects us as well. This year demanded more than we were prepared for. The growth was extremely uncomfortable. Still – there is beauty to be found in it all. We are being asked to open ourselves in ways that are difficult for us. We are being asked to take stock of what is truly important in our lives. What are the relationships, the people that matter to us? Let us remind ourselves to be kinder than we have been because those around us are suffering in their own way – even if we don’t understand it.

What is our important work in this world and why do we do it? How do we help others and what does it fulfill inside us?

I am challenging myself, as we move towards 2021 to show up with more kindness, more compassion and more understanding than I have ever shown before. Because the planet needs it right now. People need it right now. And I need it too. The healing that needs to happen in the world starts as an inside job.

Much Love,

Raina Aurora xo

Within time

Translation of these beautiful French words:

“ I love you in time. I will love you until the end of time. And when the time is up, then I will have loved you. And nothing of this love, like nothing that has been, can ever be erased.”

– Jean d’Ormesson, French novelist (1925-2017)