My sweet little girl is so sad. She feels so lost and forgotten. Breakups have always been a real challenge for me, because my wounds are so deep. Whenever my abandonment wound gets triggered, I tell myself the same stories
1) I am not wanted
2) I wasn’t good enough
3) I’m not worth someone staying
4) I will probably be forgotten and/or replaced
These types of beliefs are hurtful to myself and extremely painful to be with. The logical part of me knows they simply aren’t true, but the pain runs so deep that it often takes over. The best thing to do for myself during these times is to slow down and be with my little girl.
So often we make ourselves busy when we are in pain, buying things to feel better, drinking more, staying up late, trying to find another to fill the void of intimacy we have lost. Although I don’t do all these things anymore (thank god), I do engage in some of these patterns. It never makes me feel better, and if it does it is only fleeting or temporary. Because the only way to move through pain is to actually slow down and be with it. Bit by bit, day by day, little by little. We can’t feel it all at once – it would be too heavy. But we do have to take time to be with our pain.
The most helpful thing I can do for myself when I am in pain – when my core wounds are activated and feel so tender – is to spend time with my little girl. Close my eyes and check in with Her. See what She needs, ask her how She is feeling. It doesn’t take long to get it touch with your little one, and it is usually obvious very quickly how they are feeling. The miraculous part about being with your inner child is that it actually makes you stop craving and reaching for all the other things you thought you needed to feel better. It doesn’t happen overnight, but, in time you will feel a shift. Less reaching, less desperation. More acceptance and contentment.
Allowing the space for my little girl to have her feelings is one of the most important aspects of my healing. She wants so badly to feel wanted, to feel cared about and listened to. She needs to feel heard and craves being understood. When She doesn’t feel these things She acts out by trying to prove Herself. To prove She is worthy of being chosen. The problem with trying to be chosen is I tend to forget my own needs and focus more on someone choosing me, rather than me deciding if that person is actually a good fit for me.
I need to chose Myself first, take care of Me and my own energy, my own safety and needs. Make my needs a priority. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel like they are fairly consistently getting their needs met. It feels like a win-win. Of course, it is impossible to expect our partner to be able to meet all of our needs all of the time. We have to learn how to do it for ourselves too. It is unrealistic to expect our partner to meet all of our expectations, but we DO have to be able to communicate about it and be conscious of both our own needs and those of our partner.
I should never have to prove to someone that I am worthy, because I am worthy of Love just as I am in this moment. I should never have to chase someone to Love me, because I am Lovable already. I should never have to try to convince someone, or remind someone to want Me, because I am wanted, most importantly, by My Self.