Warrior, Goddess, Tough-Ass Bitch & Wellness Enthusiast — My Healing from Trauma and Managing Anxiety
sunny days
laze away
fears settle into the ground
limbs feel warm
face feels hot
time seems to slip away
sunny days
in the park
watching people act like creatures
feet feel firm
legs feel strong
merely a mysterious outsider looking in
sunny days
beauty is easy
finding connection in the disconnect
arms feel light
tummy feels hungry
the noise drowns out my peace
sunny days
walking slowly
thoughts feel scary
head feels spacey
a different way calls me
I don’t really know how to write about anxiety. Or at least every time I try – I get stuck. Or I go off on a tangent. It’s such a vast topic and so many people experience anxiety at varying levels. I Myself know what extreme or severe anxiety feels like. Or at least, I can tell you what it felt like for me.
Anxiety has been a part of my life for a long time, but it showed up in a much more severe way in the summer of 2015. I started having really intense panic attacks. So intense were the panic attacks that I actually went to emergency a couple times because I had no idea what was happening to me. It was way beyond scary, and I literally felt like I was dying. I had experienced anxiety before this, but never to this level. My body was telling me that enough was enough. Enough distractions by means of partying and drinking. Enough denying my trauma and childhood wounds. Of course, I didn’t want to listen. I was in denial for a long time. But when the body speaks, you need to listen. And I did. I entered into what would be the biggest transformational journey of my life thus far. What happened over those years until now is a long story, too long for this page. What I can say tho, is that where I am today is a miraculous place far more powerful and in tune with My True Self than I ever was before. I am literally living my dreams, with them coming true right before my eyes. And I am a part of it all. Here for it all. Embodying it all.
Mostly everyone experiences anxiety at some point in their lives, but sometimes it is hidden very well. To the outside world, you may appear to be doing “fine”. People also experience anxiety differently in their bodies. For me it shows up as racing, terrifying thoughts, feeling dissociated, feeling disconnected, feeling intensely afraid. Tormented with worry of the worst happening to me. Feeling as though I might faint, collapse or stop breathing. Feeling afraid that I might not wake up. The worried and racey thoughts aren’t rational, because anxiety doesn’t speak logic. It speaks it’s own language, unique to your own worst fears. My chest feels tight and everything around me seems amplified in a loud speaker. Panic. It’s like I am part of a video game but I don’t know how to play. Everything seems to be moving too quickly and noisily around me. It can feel extremely awful to say the least.
If you experience anxiety, it is likely you will become more aware of when it comes on and what your triggers are. Self care to the max. Seriously, your today influences your tomorrow. How you take care of yourself today will set you up for a better tomorrow. I’m not perfect, and sometimes I binge on a bag of potato chips and reality TV. I know it’s not the “healthiest” choice, but sometimes we do need a little distraction. The key is knowing when you are distracting and not allowing yourself to fall in the hole for too long. If you know someone who is experiencing anxiety or panic attacks, PLEASE – do NOT tell them to “just relax”. Telling someone to relax when they are having a panic attack will likely only make it harder for them. Instead, I encourage you to be a support by letting your friend/partner/family member know that you are there for them. MOST IMPORTANTLY – ask THIS: “How can I help?”. You may assume you know how best to help someone with anxiety but they might need something different. Sometimes when I am feeling anxious I want to be hugged or soothed. Sometimes I want to be left alone. Alone while also knowing my partner is not far away. Sometimes just having someone notice and see that you are struggling helps. Sometimes a good cry helps. Sometimes talking it out helps. Sometimes visualizing your favourite calming place helps. Sometimes meditating helps. Sometimes journaling helps. Sometimes eating helps. Sometimes a big mug of tea helps. Sometimes changing environments helps. The take-away here is that the person experiencing anxiety usually knows what will best help them through it. So – listen and be there.
Over the course of my journey of healing my trauma and my wounded little bunny self, my anxiety levels have lowered substantially. Although I still do experience anxiety and sometimes still quite intensely, I now have the tools to manage it much better. There IS HOPE. My healing has not been linear by any means, and it doesn’t always make sense. But it has also brought me the greatest gift I didn’t even know I was missing – Myself.
Mostly anxiety is your body’s response to trauma. It’s that simple. Which is actually not simple at all. When you are healing from trauma, it can be difficult to separate the past from the present. I don’t know if you can ever entirely separate them out. Because a “trigger” will put you right back in the past. It will trigger those past memories – responses or feelings that didn’t get to be felt at the time. Trauma is messy, and it is beautiful because we can become these incredible human beings in spite of it. Because of the work we choose to do. Because we begin to lead with our hearts, not our heads. Here are a few things that have helped me along my path that I need to consciously come back to again and again:
Blessings to you all! Let me know if you have any questions about anxiety and I will answer them to the best of my ability!❤️
Sometimes we become accustomed to the idea that the healing process is supposed to be continuously painful. It can be this way particularly in the beginning of your healing journey, because everything seems foreign and you feel out of place within yourself. I think the hardest part of healing is learning to trust your body’s wisdom. Watching and becoming attuned to the messages your body gives you is a developed skill, and the more you practice it the easier it will be. This doesn’t mean that healing from trauma/unhealed relationships/childhood wounds is not difficult and scary af. But it can be easier on us when we get in touch with our body. That IS part of healing in itself, isn’t it?
There is all this outside chatter going on around us telling us we need to do more and be more. It is taking us away from our bodies and asking us to mimic machines. You are not a machine – you have depths and feelings and circumstance. You have thought and awareness of that thought – you have consciousness. What we are and where we are right now is ok. The more we can learn and accept what our limits are, once we become aware of them, the less painful our healing becomes. The tough part is being courageous enough to honour these “limits” – which are not really limits at all they are simply guidelines to a more balanced and embodied life. When we listen in to the clues our bodies give us, we are no longer hitting up against a brick wall trying desperately to move it. Trying to bargain with ourselves by borrowing tomorrow’s energy to get through today. We accept the hand we have been dealt and do our best with the resources that we have available to us. And we begin to change our situation step by step.
Healing is not always linear, this we know for sure. But…it doesn’t always have to be an uphill battle swinging your sword blindly in the night, while your other hand tightly grips the shield behind your back. There is healing in every single time we say “yes” to our bodies, that we acknowledge our needs. There is healing in the quiet moments, the little leisures we enjoy, those tender embraces and connecting smiles. There is healing when we sit in the green grasses watching the leaves move with the wind and feeling the sun’s love warming us from above. Feeling the power of our connection to the solid Mother Earth supporting us from below. Observing how the Ocean is never quite still, yet she is consistent. That is what keeps us going, keeps us swinging. Until we can put down our swords because we realize that we are no longer being swung at. That we are actually safe, here and now. And what could be more freeing than that?
I urge you, my empathic friends and “angel aliens” out there…to stop doing what sucks you dry. Start doing what fills you up instead – replenishes your life force and hydrates every part of your beautiful being. Because that, I promise you, will make every step of the way a little bit easier. I believe in you – and you are enough. We are not discounted items of torn clothing labelled “as is – 15% off”. We are creatures requiring a little more care, a little more tender love, a little more empathy and compassion. And we retain our full value and then some. So lean in to those precious tender moments, soak in all that love and abundance. Allow yourself to feel supported because you are. In more ways than you probably know.
Lately I’ve been feeling so drained. Like there’s always something to do, something that needs to be done. But I can’t keep up. I feel like the hamster on the wheel, spinning and spinning with no end in sight. What are we spinning for? I find pockets of joy and laughter but they are not often enough. I eat healthy and get enough sleep. I don’t drink or smoke and I get regular massages. I just feel listless like point of life is missing. There’s something missing. And yet I have SO much to be grateful for. So much Love in my Life.
I feel the collective pressure of society, of the patriarchy, to do more, to be more. Like what I am and just being is not enough. I know it’s a lie but the energy it takes to fight this lie is painful. It drains my fire. I miss quiet and leisure, simply doing things for the pleasure of doing them.
Society values money, not healing. It values bigger stuff, better stuff, more expensive stuff. The more money we make the more tired we become and the more tired we become the more things we buy to attempt to make ourselves feel better. But we don’t. We feel worse and more stretched and then think we have to make more money for all the more things we need to make ourselves feel better.
It’s crazy the amount of money I have spent on healing – bodyworkers, RMTs, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Somatic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Medication, Naturoptah, Yoga etc. etc. I always consider this to be the best money spent because it supports my healing and my livelihood. But what if we were just…”WELL”. What if we weren’t busy af burning ourselves out and learning to crawl out of overwhelm. What if we just lived a life that support us? Supported our health? What if that became our number 1? How much more would be prosper – emotionally, mentally and physically. Maybe even our bank accounts would rise.
I’m tired of living in a culture that doesn’t support my inner world.
But yet – I am also GRATEFUL for the amazing supports that I have found and do have. Because they help me shine. And I know there are other goddess warriors like me out there. But tell me if you ain’t been feelin like your best self recently. Or for awhile. Tell me if you feelin’ what I’m saying. Tell me if you just feel a deep, deep tiredness like the kind that sleep can’t fix. The kind that only months spent lying by beach with the salt water breeze in your hair can fix.
The term “Self-Care” has become increasingly popular over the past few years and I am delighted that it is finally being recognized for how important it really is. I have been thinking about self-care more in depth lately and tuning in to what it truly means to care for yourself (#selfcare). I could do a list of tips and tricks for self care and examples of what that looks like, but the truth is…self-care is so personal that it really comes down to the things that make YOU feel closer to…well, YOU! Self care is what makes you feel more alive, more connected to your body, more soul-drenched-in-love, more aware and more “in-tune”.
When we think of self-care we often think of steamy bubble baths, long reflective walks by the ocean, pedicures, vacations, or fancy face masks. While all of those things are excellent and definitely on the list for living a balanced life, they are not the only ways to show yourself some love. Self care to me is also in the harder stuff. The difficult choices, the choices were you have to chose which path your life will take. I was recently inspired and so in awe of a close friend of mine who decided that despite her dream of owning her own salon, the reality of the stress and overwhelm from managing, leading and training apprentices (and much more) became out of alignment for her. She was sacrificing her well-being in order to live up to a pre-conceived expectation she had of herself. She made the incredibly brave choice to let go of co-owning the salon and decided to work for herself as a chair renter (a smaller business within a business). To me, this is the highest form of self care there is. You are showing up for yourself and saying “My Life is important, my body is important, how I feel is important, and the journey is more important that the destination”.
Sometimes our vision needs to re-adjust in accordance with where we are at emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. If you are hurting yourself to get to where you want to be, ask yourself if it’s worth it. Because life is moving and the end destination might not be as gratifying as you thought, once you get there, if you are willing to miss everything else along the way.
Self care can also be in the little choices we make. Yesterday after a busy day at work I was going to grab a burger and fries for dinner. I wanted something greasy and satisfying. But then I thought about how quickly that satisfaction would fade. The real reason I was craving something greasy was because I was feeling tired and stressed. Valid reasons, however I knew that I could also make something healthier at home (and save money). I planned something easy and delicious to make at home and got myself a bag of the “healthier” potato chips instead. I made the choice to care for my body from an aware place, not a stressed and reactive place. When I got home I didn’t rush to make dinner right away. Instead I sat for awhile, meditated, had a few chips as a snack and began cooking once I felt a little more grounded. I was still feeling really tired and stressed, but instead of escalating the stress I released some of it by being quiet with myself for awhile. That is self care. The choice to eat healthy, the choice to make it easier on Myself, the choice to have a little of what I was craving, the choice to allow Myself some time to decompress.
Don’t get me wrong I still love my bubble baths and nature walks, but I want to focus also on what choices I can make to better support my well-being. How can I show up for Myself and honour my feelings. How can I give Myself more space, more time to unwind and heal. We don’t actually need to figure out how to heal ourselves, our bodies know how to do it and WANT to heal for us. Our “job” is to create the space and environments which are conducive to our healing. More love, more calm, more peace.
How do YOU show up for Yourself? What are some self-care decisions you’ve made recently? Self care = Self Love. ❤️
About two weeks ago, I changed my diet to eating “Gluten Aware”. I also cut way down on eating added sugar. My diet consists largely of plant-based foods, although I still do eat meat, eggs and cheese on occasion. Plant-based to me means lots of greens, veggies (cooked and uncooked), fruits, legumes (such as beans, lentils, chickpeas), nuts (almonds, cashews, hazelnuts), seeds (chia, sunflower, pumpkin, flax), and of course delicious nut butters, almond milk, smoothies, and cold-pressed vegetable juices. The world of plant food is vast and full of flavour, I think it is sad when people do not explore these wonderful flavours. I have been strictly vegan and vegetarian before, but I find the best diet for me is one where I listen to what my body needs and allow Myself some wiggle room while maintaining a healthy diet as my LIFESTYLE. I don’t believe in condemning myself for eating some meat when I feel like it. There are no vegan police and I do believe that I am doing my part for our environment and the best for my body by regularly choosing veggie meals.
Sugar was a hard craving for me to kick, which is surprising because I didn’t really think that I ate that much sugar. But what I didn’t realize was how many things sugar is actually in! It’s in so much of the packaged goods we buy at the grocery store – even the healthy granolas. It’s in the obvious things like pastries, sweets, chocolate, muffins and cookies. And it is addictive in a big way. Your body will actually crave sugar at certain times of the day when you are used to eating it at those times. So to kick your cravings it will require a fair amount of willpower (obviously). It won’t be easy at first, and you will daydream longingly of the muffin section at JJ Bean around snack time. You will have thoughts , “is there no joy in life anymore”, and “why shouldn’t I treat Myself…I Deserve it”! But there truth is: You deserve better. You deserve a clear mind, a strong immune system, healthy digestive function, optimal brain function, and a great sleep. Sugar will directly affect all of these things…and not in a good way. I can’t speak much to affects of gluten, but I will do more research. I decided to give it up because I watched a few Ted Talks that spoke about how eating “GF” could improve symptoms of anxiety and OCD.
When I am quitting something, it is important for me to know my “why”. Once I am strong in my “Why” then tackling those cravings and keeping myself accountable feels easier. Because I know I am in it for something better. Something that I have control over. We do have the power to choose what we put in our bodies, and what we put in our bodies is a reflection of how good we will allow ourselves to feel. If we don’t make the big changes, we won’t get the big results. So many of us (Myself included) complain about our various ailments and about not feeling good. Here is some brutal honesty: how much are you actually doing about it? I used to tell Myself I was doing everything I could to feel better, but was I really? I was doing alot, yes, but I needed to step it up even more. Sometimes it’s the things we least feel like doing that will actually make the improvements in our quality of life. The things that we usually know we “should” be doing but just haven’t got around to it yet. Well I’m telling you, and I’m telling Myself – that you need to do it now. Because your best life is waiting for you. You just have to be willing to give up the fake stuff.
Benefits I have noticed from cutting out sugar and gluten:
Facing Yourself 