The Fall

That let down was too big, too heavy to carry alone

The fall from what I thought was grace.

It was just an empty promise all along

A house of glass built upon quick sand – a sinking foundation

The lights shone bright but no one was home

I called out for help and no one answered

I broke in anyways and tried to make a home there

Make-believe and wish it into existence

Dragging you in with me, reluctantly

But all my wishes fell down the wishing well into its darkest depths, its murky waters

Nothing exists without consistency, stability, effort.

Silence is a lonely ghost

Love is just not enough, because it is too easy to love

We were built for it, we know how to do it

Yet rarely do we do it well…you knew only a broken version of love.

You were broken yourself – afraid and alone

People say they want kindness, that they are kind

But kindness out of convenience isn’t really kind…that’s just self serving

What about kind when you’re raw, weak and afraid?

Kind when your shit is stirred up.

Kind when you owe nothing and may receive nothing…

That kind of kind is rare.

The kind of kind we show animals and use far too sparingly with each other

In this world of upheaval and change

In this planet of hurt and crisis

In this society run on people’s trauma

We should show more Love. Period.

Inconvenient Love, out of your way Love, big boundless Love, accepting and unfiltered Love

All kinds of Love that require us to stretch outside of our comfort and convenience

Love that sees another’s Soul, another’s Heart…

Get out of our own way type of Love.

That’s what I’m here for.

I Like My….

tea to be the perfect drinking temperature

pillows soft

sheets clean

mornings calm

music uplifting or mood evoking

movies funny, inspiring, or emotional

hair freshly washed

fries crispy

love true

connections deep & meaningful

dog’s morning kisses

throw blankets big and fuzzy

PJs cozy and cute

views epic

kisses passionate

showers almost scalding hot

baths steamy and aromatic

candles lit and moody

outfits stylish

shoes clean

floors vaccumed

relationships intentional

decor seasonal and fun

plants thriving

laundry done and folded

house clean

fridge full

smiles big and with teeth

words honest and from the heart

personality authentic

weekends fun

evenings relaxing

shoulders and back rubbed

laughter full bellied

I don’t need a hero…

I was watching one of my favourite TV shows tonight…you may have heard of the popular emotional drama called “This Is Us”. Of course it’s full of great lines, witty comebacks and impromptu heartfelt conversations that rarely go so smoothly in real life. One of the character’s line’s really resonated with me though. “She doesn’t need a hero, just be there for her”.

I feel so often that in relationships (with men especially), they feel the need to be the woman’s hero. To fix her problem. To figure it out for her. To offer the solution they see fitting. To tell her where she went wrong. Iv’e never really needed a hero, at least not in my adult life. I’m fully capable of figuring things out on my own. Every time someone distrusts me to figure it out – it shows me that they don’t trust my capability. That creates resentment. As children, our parents are our heroes because we depend on them for survival. Somewhere along the way, they let us down…because they are human beings and make mistakes too (because of their own unhealed trauma but that’s a different topic).

As we come into adulthood, we start to rely more on ourselves. We learn to become our own heroes. We face challenges, overcome obstacles, make hard decisions, fail and try again. We learn and we grow. Sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over until we are so exhausted with the same outcome, that we choose differently. When someone tries to solve our problems for us, it takes away our innate power. It send us the message that we are not trusted – that our loving adult self doesn’t have the tools to care for our own inner child. Nothing could be more upsetting than someone telling you that you don’t know how to take care of yourself.

This isn’t to say we can never offer advice or support. Asking if someone would like to hear a suggestion is often a way better alternative to blurting out “shoulds” and “shouldn’t haves”. Support – being there – for the experience, the journey – is EVERYTHING. It goes back to us as children, when we start to seek out our own independence. When we take those first few steps toward the playground but then look back to make sure our parents are watching us. We WANT to do it ourselves, we need to know we can do it. It’s vital to our survival skills. We ALSO need to know someone’s watching. That’s survival too. We need to know someone has our back. Someone will be there if we fall. Not to tell us we did it wrong, but to offer us their hand if we need it to get back up.

I see this with my dog Luna all the time. She’ll be running ahead through the forest trails but every so often she’ll look back, checking to make sure I’m following her. Or at the dog park – she’ll be busy romping around with other dogs, but every few minutes she’ll look around to locate me. To make sure I’m there as her grounding post. We all need that. We need to be witnessed – for our struggles, our pain, our joys, our triumphs.

I don’t need a hero – because I already have one, and She’s Me. I am the one that makes sure I get up every morning. I am the one that makes my bed. I am the one that takes my dog out for exercise and play even when it’s pouring rain. I am the one that feeds myself healthy, nourishing food. I am the one that cleans my body, dresses myself and gets myself to work. I am the one that makes others feel good about themselves at work. I am the one that is responsible for me, my happiness. It’s not luck, it’s dedication. Loving yourself or others doesn’t just happen. It’s work. It’s a choice. It’s consistency. It’s an everyday thing…and it’s in the little things. The little moments.

It’s funny because whenever I go through a breakup it’s interesting the things I miss about someone. It’s never usually the big things, but the little, everyday moments. The shared tea in the evenings, the funny glances, the shared inside jokes. That is the stuff that makes a life. It’s not in the grand gestures that we show love, but in the day after day; choosing actions and words that show care.

I will admit I’m not always the best at this, but I’m working on it. Let me tell you it’s a hell of a lot easier to love a dog for the simple reason that they don’t talk back to you. An animal’s needs are simple, and as long as we meet those needs they tend to love us without hesitation. Maybe a human being’s needs aren’t so different though. Maybe we just let a whole lot of garbage get in the way; our own pain and suffering and attachment to our story and the way we think things should be.

The story to me is simple: we are all just human. We all have the same needs. To belong and to be seen and known and loved. Let’s just try our best to remember that.