Month: August 2019

Depression feels like a dark grey space surrounding every part of your being. It feels like you are severely deprived of joy and the idea of things that would usually bring you joy don’t seem like options. You feel like a mute among the sea of stimulus around you. You feel tired. You feel like everything is too much and yet nothing is enough to make you feel. You feel like a zombie walking around in the fog. Everything seems dimly light and in shadows. You struggle to find a life raft into the sun.

For me, depression isn’t something I usually talk about. I think I make myself so busy so that I don’t even have time to feel the depression. I am afraid that if I slow down for a minute, I might just sink into the sand and be unable to squirm my way out again. Until I tire myself right out and then I sink anyways. So everyday I put on the mask, the cloak of glitter, make myself the person I’m “supposed” to be. Sometimes she is bright and shiny, she is a people-pleaser and seeks validation from the outside world. If I push myself to keep going, maybe I can outrun the immense sadness that longs to be felt inside. Maybe I can keep those tears at bay for one more day.

But this is not the only part of me. And that is true for most of us. We are made up of many sides, many moving parts and pieces. I also have this tenacious strength – the strength that gets me out of bed in the morning, the strength that gets to me where I need to be, the strength that keeps me going towards my dreams. But I think I need to allow myself to be sad more. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am sad about…but it feels good to cry. Crying usually releases some of the tension, the depression locked away. It soothes the pain and opens a crack of sunlight into my soul again. I can build on that sunlight.

How do we find soul-time in the midst of organized chaos? Even when things are going well in our lives, it can feel like everything is happening at once, a thousand doors are opening at the same time and we are trying to walk through all of them. You are only one person though, one human being. Sometimes I forget that. It is not possible for us to do everything at once, but we have become excellent jugglers. Skilled in the art of mastering several tasks whilst trying to stay afloat emotionally/physically/mentally/soulfully.

This is no easy feat and we will fumble our way through. Trial and error are a sure thing. But if we are listening to our bodies while keeping our dreams at heart we will surely succeed. But how can we avoid that feeling of burnout or loss of meaning along the way? If we become burnt out, how can we come back to ourselves with ease? The thing is, we know a lot more about ourselves than we are willing to admit. We know when we are pushing ourselves too much, we know when we need to rest, we know when we are in need of time and space. We know our tendencies when burnout is looming near. We know how we react when we feel too stretched.

So how can we avoid feeling like a big old burnout bear that lumbers along and just wants to hibernate all winter? We have to become skilled at compartmentalizing. This is NOT easy to do and don’t worry – we are human so it is only natural that we will slip up sometimes. So…what in the hell does compartmentalizing actually mean? Are our brains like trains with different compartments for all our thoughts and focuses? Not necessarily.  But the more we can train ourselves to be in the present, to breathe deeply, the more we can enjoy life around us and within us. If you are at work, focus on being at work. If you are at home, enjoy the pleasures of home. If you are on a walk, focus on your feet on the ground or your hands swinging back and forth. Be where you are. Orient yourself and find some element of comfort in your surroundings. Let go of the need to jump ten steps ahead and learn to be ok with the now. TRUST that things will sort out. I don’t mean being complacent in your actions, but I DO mean taking only the necessary action for right now. There isn’t much gain in worrying about the 10 things you have to do before you get there. But you CAN make your very next move to get you one step closer to your dream.

Sidenote: get clear on your dream. What exactly are you looking for? How and what do you want to feel when you get there? Write down a list of feelings that you want to feel. If your dream doesn’t support how you want to feel, then what the heck is the point anyway? We are all really just working towards feeling a certain way. We all want to feel “good”. Society propagates good feelings along with material success, so we strive for that. But when that material doesn’t deliver said promised feelings, what then? This is why it is so imperative that we get so so super clear on how we want to feel. Design your dreams to support those feelings.

OK, so now that you have your dream and feelings kinda sorta figured out (they may evolve along the way), what is the next step you need to take? When will you take it? Schedule it in. And then schedule some soul-time nearby. Make sure you balance the outward ventures with your inward reflection and processing. We need time to digest what is happening in our lives, just like we need time to digest our food. It is no wonder that when we feel stressed it affects our digestive system. It is all connected. It is all in sync. Did you know that our stress hormones can actually become addictive to us? We get used to being in a state of being busy and being on the go that we learn to operate like that. It actually takes our higher self to recognize the pattern and make a shift. Slow down, do less, let go. It’s really scary to not feel ‘in control’, and when we’re busy trying to control everything we don’t have as much chance to feel. By accepting uncertainty in life (and you can assume the best instead of speculating the worst), we realize we don’t have as much to do. We can just enjoy being. Being alive, being in the moment, being a part of the world around us. We don’t become a product of the world – we are instead able to observe it from a place of ease and flow.

Get off the merry-go-round because it does not leave you feeling very merry. It just continues to go round and round until you feel sick and dizzy. Sometimes we get busy, crazy busy even. That’s ok…you can handle it if you play your cards to the tune of your needs. Take breaks, go for walks, put your feet on the grass, drink water, eat well, sleep consistently, wind down before bed, limit your use of technology, take time to journal, to talk to people who support you, cuddle your pet, stretch, take baths, shake it out, feel your body, get a massage. Do things that help your body and mind go from buzzing to a smooth grounded rhythm.

I have taken a hiatus from blogging for the past little bit because I have been occupied with other endeavours (such as preparing to start my own business, planning a wedding, looking for a new therapist, selling our condo and enjoying the summer), whew! It’s alot. Feels like a whirlwind some days, but a good one. However, my soul-time needs nurturing so I figure it’s time to get back on the horsey as they say!

I have had so many ideas floating around on what to write about. They all seemed like great ideas but for some reason I just couldn’t grab hold of the motivation long enough to actually write about them. Some ideas seem too vague, or too cliché, or just been done before. So I’m starting this post with absolutely no idea of what I’m going to write about.

I think we all get scared of getting caught in the “predictability” trap. We are living this paradoxical life of wanting to be uniquely special and different, yet still on trend and fitting in with the rest of your social circle or whichever societal standards you have set for yourself. You want to stand out, but blend in. It’s a weird thing. Also, just because something has been done before doesn’t mean you can’t do it too. You may not be the first to try something but, you won’t be the last and your experience of whatever it is you try is entirely unique to you. Wether it be a fashion trend, something you create or design, or a ritual you practice. What makes it special is your own experience of it. Your learning from it. The fact that you tried something you haven’t tried before makes it special. Copying someone or something isn’t a bad thing – that’s where inspiration comes from. That’s what inspiration is. It’s the replication of something that evokes a certain feeling in you – and your version of creating that. The vision you create will never look exactly like someone else’s – so don’t even sweat it. Plus, in my opinion, it’s totally flattering to have someone be inspired by you! It’s the best kind of compliment.

I guess I’m off on a tangent now, but what I’m feeling is that we worry too much about doing something that no one has ever done before – trying to blow everyone’s socks off with these grandiose creations and our attempts at “perfection”. But perfection squanders our uniqueness, that special soul light that shines from within. You are perfectly imperfect. That’s what makes you lovable. And…always remember that to someone else looking at you…you are perfect. Just like when you gaze upon someone else they may seem perfect to you, or they may seem to have the “perfect” life. But whatever you see in them that you idolize, it is highly probable that you have those same qualities within yourself. You just can’t seem them yet.

If you look back five years, or even a year – you probably fantasized about having some of the things you currently have in your life today. And you’ve been slowly prodding along, making those visions a reality for yourself. You have! Just think about some of the things you have now in your life that you once wished you would have, but at the time they seemed like a faraway dream. Now they are a reality. That’s the funny thing about life – is that things happen for you when you keep at it. Keep at the vision. The vision may not actualize in the exact form you thought it would. But it happens in the best way for you. Be willing to allow for those modifications to your dream. Be open to the possibilities that are presented to you. Stay in touch with your soul along the way. You have what you once wished you would have, right now. Take that in. Note 3 things that you once wished for that have become your living joy.

Do you wonder why you don’t feel the way you thought you would when you achieved these things? Do you wonder why you still don’t feel completely at ease or in bliss 24/7? I think we place way too much value upon obtaining certain things in our lives – as in “when I get this, I’ll be happy” or “if I could just do this, everything would be great” or “this would solve all my problems”. We are expecting perfect from things in our lives that will never give us perfection because perfection doesn’t exist. What you will feel is different – not perfect, but different. You may feel more at ease, more security, more love. Notice these different feelings and be aware of them. But with new comes new things to be anxious about also! Once you reach one goal or obtain one thing, simultaneously another door or possibility enters your life. You are presented with new problems while new solutions become available to you.

You will never “be happy when”. Stop chasing happiness outside and find it inside. Search for things that elevate your life, your mindset, your emotions. Take stock of what grounds you, what holds you and what keeps your fire burning bright. You are a miracle just being you. You appreciating you is a miracle on another level. Gratitude always allows for peace and more abundance!